I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
