my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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