My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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