apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
