I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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