I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
