you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
