Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
