that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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