I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
