I think I won the penis lottery.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
