I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
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