how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
