i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
