I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
