is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
