yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
