She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
