somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
