If i come over, it means nothing
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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