Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
