6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
