My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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