so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
