Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
