u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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