I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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