its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
