you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
