They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
