Do you still have your period?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
