You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
