if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
