I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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