I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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