it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
