I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
