I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
