I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
