i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
