i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
