Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I touched a dick in church today
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
