She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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