they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
we're making bets on your personal life
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize