This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm passing your future prison.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
