I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize