Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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