Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
