how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
