By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Are my feet made of real feet?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
