College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
