if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
