What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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