Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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