I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
