you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
