the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
